Everything happens for a reason…” People reach for it when something horrible happens, and they don’t know what else to say but want to sound hopeful.
Failure and loss are inevitable. Things happen randomly and often unfairly. It’s part of being human. A cancer diagnosis, the unexpected loss of a loved one, a failed business – these are all excruciating and unfair in their own ways. But to believe that there is a reason behind everything that happens is absurd. Saying this to someone who has experienced a horribly painful event is just plain insulting. It can diminish the real pain people feel and can make them feel even worse than they already do.
I grew up believing there’s a reason behind everything wrong, a lesson to be learned, a higher power at play, and even believing in the “evil eye.” I looked for a reason to deal with the pain and reality of the situation.
As I reach middle age and see the many unfair and inexplicable things in life, I no longer believe everything happens for a reason. I believe now that trying to rationalize what has happened is the last thing we should do.
Instead of spending energy trying to find the reason, we should focus on finding the meaning. What does this mean to your life going forward? What does it mean for those around you? What can you learn from this? How can you heal and grow? How can you move forward?
We are responsible for giving meaning and learning to live with what has happened. However, this is hard work. Creating meaning takes much more effort and energy than accepting some unforeseen “reason” you have no control over. It means moving from being a victim of your circumstances to a creator of your future, shaping despair and pain into hope, failure and loss into success. It’s about creating a path forward, not looking and waiting for a reason to reveal itself.
It would be awful for me to tell you not to use this phrase and not give you some options, as we all need something to say when a horrible thing has happened. So, try one of these:
- I’m so sorry you are going through this.
- What can I do to support you?
- I’m here for you.
- Please let me know what you need of me.
- Or sit with the person compassionately, and you will see that sometimes no words are needed.
So, the next time you want to use the phrase “everything happens for a reason…” pause… take a breath, and just don’t. 
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About the Author
Dr. Sally Safa is a board certified Periodontist working in North York and an alumna of the University of Toronto where she also teaches at the Faculty of Dentistry. She lectures nationally and internationally in the topics of emotional intelligence including mindfulness based stress reduction and leadership training. Contact: drsafa@northyorkperio.com